"Comparison is the Thief of Joy"

I am not a writer, and if you have been following my blog you will notice the text I add to my posts is quite brief. However, my life is on the brink of being re-structured, my priorities re-organized and it is my intention to share more of me and my story with you. 

I have worked full time since I graduated from college and I honestly thought I always would. This summer my husband and I decided to make a change and see how things go with me staying at home. In a couple weeks I will leave my job, my career, and perhaps my competitive edge in the workforce behind. There are many reasons why, but they all boil down to my search for happiness, being present, and being a source of balance for my family. 

Being a happy and balanced person is not something that comes easy for me. I may look together (hopefully), but like most working moms with two toddlers, there is a ton of chaos, short cuts and scrambling happening. In the last year I started noticing that my kids, especially my daughter, were beginning to absorb and reflect my angst.

When I became pregnant with my daughter all I could think about was oh my God, please please let me never pass down my anxiety and insecurities. Please let me raise a healthy and confident daughter who enjoys life, has healthy relationships, and makes sound choices. Claire is only three, but she is extremely perceptive and tuned into my moods. And more and more I was feeling like I was on an edge and she was right there with me about to fall off. It may be is dramatic, but as she started acting out and our days became more riddled with meltdowns, all I could think about was how she was mirroring me and if I didn't change quickly she would be forever morphed into an emotional basket case like her mama. 

I lay awake in tears, worrying that I was already screwing her up. I felt a very strong urge to simplify and find balance. I was conflicted though - what was wrong with me? Why can't I be the mom that works out, eats healthy, stays calm, doesn't rush her children around, is a sexy wife (honestly my last priority), has a great career and a blog on the side (and maybe even has makeup on and does her hair sometimes)? Other women succeed at this all the time right? But I have spent my whole life comparing myself and degrading myself as a result. It just isn't me. I can't do it all and be perfect like the fictitious women I compare myself to. 

Quitting my job is not an easy decision. We are not rich. But my husband works long hours and he cant be the domestic glue. I want to be the glue, the constant, and the stability for my family. I want to explore my passions as a creative person and an artist. I want to make time for fitness and mental health. I want to be happy. I want, I want, I want (can you tell I am an only child?). 

I am convinced though that being a happy and balanced person is the greatest gift I can give to my children, my husband, and me.